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Scott Manley Lazing in NYC
Monty Python vs QTrax
Posted in Music Musings on Jan 30, 2008 at 5:03 PM
Current mood: amused

Scene: Mr Mousebender walks into Mr Q-Trax's Free Music Emporium

QTrax: Good morning, sir.

Mousebender: Good Morning. I was sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through 'Rogue Herries' by Horace Walpole, when I discovered my iPod in a tuneless state

QTrax: tuneless, sir?

Mousebender: empty.

QTrax: Eh?

Mousebender: (broad Yorkshire) Nothing to listen to!

QTrax: Oh, empty.

Mousebender: (normal accent) In a nutshell. So I thought to myself, 'an excursion into pitch, melody and harmony will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Walpolling activites, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the acquisition of some new music.

QTrax: Come again.

Mousebender: (broad nothern accent) I want to download some tunes

QTrax: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the cheese!

Mousebender: (normal voice) Heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the fermented curd.

QTrax: Sorry?

Mousebender: I like some nice cheese

Mousebender: (normal voice) Now my good man, some music, please.

QTrax: Yes certainly, sir. What would you like?

Mousebender: Well, how about a little Led Zeppelin.

QTrax: I'm, afraid we're fresh out of Led Zeppelin, sir.

Mousebender: Oh, never mind. How are you on Twista?

QTrax: Never at the end of the week, sir. Always get it fresh first thing on Monday.

Mousebender: Tish tish. No matter. Well, the new Chromeo album, then, if you please, stout yeoman.

QTrax: Ah well, it's been on order for two weeks, sir, I was expecting it this morning.

Mousebender: Yes, it's not my day, is it? Er, Alicia Keys?

QTrax: Sorry.

Mousebender: Scott Walker?

QTrax: Normally, sir, yes, but today the van broke down.

Mousebender: Ah. Springsteen?

QTrax: Sorry.

Mousebender: Daft Punk? Beatles?

QTrax: No.

Mousebender: Any Norwegian Artists?

QTrax: No.

Mousebender: Cat Power?

QTrax: No.

Mousebender: Arcade Fire?

QTrax: No.

Mousebender: Whitesnake?

QTrax: No.

Mousebender: Delta Blues?

QTrax: No.

Mousebender: Double Trouble?

QTrax: ..No.

Mousebender: Scientists?

QTrax: No.

Mousebender: Any Nation of Ulysses?

QTrax: No.

Mousebender: Bjork, Goldfrapp, Pharoah Sanders, Joy Division, Sun Ra, Juan Atkins, Gil Scott Heron, Black Dice, Captain Beefheart, Public Image Limited, Justice?

QTrax: Ah! We do have some Justice, sir.

Mousebender: You do! Excellent.

QTrax: It's a bit noisy, sir.

Mousebender: Oh, I like it noisy.

QTrax: Well as a matter of fact it's very noisy, sir.

Mousebender: No matter. No matter. Hand over le musique de la Belle France qui s'apelle Justice, s'il vous plaît.

QTrax: I think it's noisier than you like it, sir.

Mousebender: (smiling grimley) I don't care how incredibly noisy it is. Hand it over with all speed.

QTrax: Yes, sir. (bends below counter and reappears) Oh...

Mousebender: What?

QTrax: The cat's eaten it.

Mousebender: Has he?

QTrax: She, sir.

Mousebender: Goldie?

QTrax: No.

Mousebender: Yes?

QTrax: No.

Mousebender: Radiohead?

QTrax: No.

Mousebender: The Association?

QTrax: No.

Mousebender: Soft Cell?

QTrax: No, sir.

Mousebender: You do have some music, do you?

QTrax: Certainly, sir. QTrax is a music site. We've got...

Mousebender: No, no, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

QTrax: Fair enough.

Mousebender: Chicago Trax?

QTrax: Yes, sir?

Mousebender: Splendid. Well, I'll have some of that then, please.

QTrax: Oh, I'm sorry sir, I thought you said QTrax.

Mousebender: Göttsching?

QTrax: No.

Mousebender: Beach Boys?

QTrax: No.

Mousebender: Moby Grape?

QTrax: No.

Mousebender: Paris Hilton?

QTrax: No.

Mousebender: Any Danish Techno?

QTrax: No.

Mousebender: Slovakian Gypsy Punk Music?

QTrax: No.

Mousebender: Peruvian Nose Flute Music?

QTrax: Not today sir, no.

(pause)

Mousebender: Well let's keep it simple, how about Madonna?

QTrax: Well, I'm afraid we don't get much call for it around these parts.

Mousebender: Not call for it? She's the single most popular singer in the world!

QTrax: Not round these parts, sir.

Mousebender: And pray what is the most popular artist round these parts?

QTrax: William Shatner, sir.

Mousebender: I see.

QTrax: Yes, sir. He's quite staggeringly popular in the manor, squire.

Mousebender: Is he.

QTrax: Yes sir, he's our number-one download.

Mousebender: Is he.

QTrax: Yes sir.

Mousebender: William Shatner, eh?

QTrax: Right.

Mousebender: OK, I'm game. Have you got any, he asked, expecting the answer no?

QTrax: I'll have a look, sir...nnnnnnooooooooo.

Mousebender: It's not much of a music site really, is it?

QTrax: Finest on the internet, sir.

Mousebender: And what leads you to that conclusion?

QTrax: Well, it's so clean.

Mousebender: Well, it's certainly uncontaminated by music.

QTrax: You haven't asked me about Modern Lovers, sir.

Mousebender: Is it worth it?

QTrax: Could be.

Mousebender: OK, have you...will you stop eating that cheese (the cheese eating stops)

QTrax: (to cheese eaters) Told you so.

Mousebender: Have you got any Modern Lovers?

QTrax: No.

Mousebender: No, that figures. It was pretty predictable, really. It was an act of purest optimism to pose the question in the first place. Tell me something, do you have any music at all?

QTrax: Yes, sir.

Mousebender: Now I'm going to ask you that question once more, and if you say 'no' I'm going to shoot you through the head. Now, do you have any music at all?

QTrax: No.

Mousebender: (shoots him) What a senseless waste of a million dollar launch party.
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